Monday, July 1, 2013

Bumping fuzzies?

All too infrequently do I see women sitting at the tables here in EBF, I mean Charles Town, WV.  See, you players out in Vegas have it good; you have eye candy in the waitresses and apparently, according to this guy, the players are lookers too!  Out here in the sticks, which is all of 60 minutes from DC, there's nothing but cowpoke and bumpkins.  It's a rarity if there's a girl in the poker room who would raise an eye.

The other night, you see, was indeed a rarity.  I not only had one attractive girl at my table, but two!  Sitting next to each other.  Sitting to my left.  2 cute blondes.  It was their first time playing live casino poker.  Very friendly.  Very smiley.  Very drinky.  Very talky.

Procedurally, they both were in tune, able to post their blinds without needing to be reminded, understood and followed the action, and weren't playing like total noobs.  We started chatting it up - the 3 of us - and I was quick to find out that she never got to play [errr... poker] because her "ex-girlfriend" didn't like to gamble.  My slow, dimwitted mind processed that statement as - her "ex-friend who was a girl" didn't like to gamble, which made little to no sense to me: why would a friend exert such control over this chick?  Damned if I'll allow a friend to tell me what to do!  Hell, my wife is the only person with real influence over my my daily life plans...  wait a second....  Moreover, I've never referred to a friend as an "ex-friend."  It's not like on facebook where you unfriend someone and call them your "ex-friend."  You simply don't refer to said person anymore.  Well, the wheels started a'churnin' and I process it to mean that she's advertising that she's a pink player.  High five!

Now how often is it that you meet a girl and find out she's from the island of lesbos - that she's a card-carrying member of the lesbian community?  Moreover, how often do you find that she's a cute lesbian - and her girlfriend is a cute lesbian?  Perhaps I'm skating on thin ice by saying this, but I can count on 1 finger the amount of times I've seen a cute chick with another cute chick in the Biblical sense (is it Biblical if they're engaged in lesbianism?).  Nothing against your typical run-of-the-mill lesbian, but in my experience, they're just not generally cute; sometimes one is somewhat cute and the other is the more masculine type - just like with homosexual guys (all in a stereotypical sense - of course they're are cute gay couples out there, but again, GENERALLY the pairing is cute / dainty with more gruff).  Also, it should be noted that I'm not talking about that lesbian BS they put into porn that they CALL lesbianism, where the girls aren't real lesbos and they're inevitably having a guy join in because they crave the [WHERE AM I GOING WITH THIS!?!?!?]... I'm talking about real, honest-to-goodness gay chicks.  Moreover, they're sitting at the poker table, next to me, chatting it up!

Now, those that read my blog on a regular basis (well - "regular" is a loose term because I don't post all that frequently anymore) know that I'm a married, devoted husband and father of 3 children.  I honestly would not be interested in these girls other than for the flirtation of the chance to watch the two of them make out with each other while I eat popcorn, enjoy the show and not join in but wish I could *.  At any rate, I busted one of the two out of her original buy in ($100), and the other guys at the table were working hard NOT to bust the remaining chick (she would wind up running a failed bluff into a guy who called her down the whole way trying to not let her bust herself moreso than value betting / value calling).  There was no conversation of interest to me that is worth mentioning on the blog - they didn't start making out at the table, nor did they escape to the bathroom for a quickie, much to the chagrin of me and my fellow straight table mates.

After the girls left, the table got a little chatty Kathy about the whole thing.  Fill-ins began to trickle into the table including an older gentleman and a younger 30's -aged guy.  They listened about the legacy whose seats they were filling.  Clearly, they were not suitable substitutes.  The older guy, not having said a word nearly the entire 30 minutes he was there, started rolling on the floor when the mid-30's guy heard our story and determined that these girls were indeed "Bumping fuzzies."  Watching him process the whole "fuzzy bumper" metaphor was a comedy act unto itself; within about 20 seconds, he was tearing at the eyes.

Anyway, thought I'd share this little tale with you all.  It's not often that I write about non-poker poker stories, but I found this one amusing and I hope that you will too.

* If my wife is reading this, EWWW!  Another chick?  Gross me out!  I wouldn't ever want to look at or see another chick, much less touch one!  I said the above for effect for my readers, lest they think worse of me than they already do!


  1. wtf -- Has my internet connection gone crazy? I thought I'd read some insightful poker post by The Poker Meister and instead I somehow got connected to a new post at Rob's Vegas Poker. Kind of a short post for Rob, though, so even more screwy stuff is happening.

  2. "Well, the wheels started a'churnin' and I process it to mean that she's advertising that she's a pink player. High five!"

    I laughed out loud. I didn't LOL though, because that is only for 12-year-old girls. Good stuff!


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